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Elijah Dukes Facts

There are some things in life that are just universally true. Love. Hate. Winning. Losing.

And at the center of these truths, the key to many of life’s questions, is Elijah Dukes.

Some people recognize this powerful and mystical product of nature, but for those who don’t, here are some basic facts about the force that is Elijah Dukes.

Fact - Home plate is wherever Elijah Dukes stands still for more than two seconds while on a baseball field.

Fact - Contrary to popular belief, Washington D.C. does not stand for the District of Columbia, but rather Dukes City.

Fact - A scowl from Elijah Dukes is classified as second-degree assault in 46 states.

Fact - Elijah Dukes eased tensions with North Korea with a “You Dead, Dawg” text to Kim Jong-Il.

Fact - Barack Obama’s original campaign slogan was “A New Tomorrow.” Dukes called Obama and simply uttered, “Time to change that, homey,” and the rest is history.

Fact - Elijah Dukes doesn’t worry about having a bird in hand. The bush belongs to him.

Fact - A home run trot was developed for players to get off the field quickly before Elijah Dukes could become upset about an opponent scoring.

Fact - Elijah Dukes decides when Howard University alumni can come home.

Fact - Everything Elijah Dukes doesn’t believe in is more commonly known as “fiction.”

Fact - Elijah Dukes is the reason why shut no longer goes up.

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